The Enneagram: What, How & Why

A Common Scenario You walk out of the meeting, shaking your head. You feel overwhelmed and frustrated, but you're not sure why. You just know that you're tired of these meetings always making you feel the same way: angry.   So, what could've happened here?   Any number of things. Maybe some of these resonate with you:   You were given a list of arbitrary tasks that don't seem to have an order. There was no plan, or if there was, someone didn't follow it. And so, it felt like nothing was accomplished. You didn't receive clear expectations. You were asked to do something that you weren't expecting to be asked to do. You had a significant accomplishment that wasn't recognized.   And the list goes on.   These are ordinary, annoying things that happen to most people in meetings. So naturally, they cause frustration, but what if you could pinpoint what made you feel that way and why?   What if you could figure out why you keep hitting your head against a brick wall in these meetings while other co-workers seem fine or may even be responding positively?   You can.   Know Thyself  Self-awareness is the ability to see outside oneself. It's like watching yourself interact with others, like sitting in a theater watching a movie. You see yourself behaving a certain way, and then you stop and ask yourself, why did I do that? Or what caused me to feel that way?   Let's take the list from above and pinpoint some possible reasons these things frustrated you:   You like to prioritize and make sure that the most crucial thing is addressed first. You value your time and don't like when it feels wasted. Without clear expectations, you feel like you risk failure. You already divvied out your day according to your task list. As a result, you don't have the additional time and energy for tasks you weren't expecting. You feel valued when people notice the work that you're doing.   These may seem simple, but knowing and understanding ourselves and why we respond the way we do has a massive impact on how we work with others. And how well we lead others.   If your co-workers know that you like to operate from a clearly ordered task list, they can be mindful of that when they assign tasks to you. Likewise, suppose you know that you don't have enough energy for an additional assignment. In that case, you can ask if anyone else might have the capacity to take it on. Or request a deadline that allows you the space you need.   Start Here So how do we start to see ourselves from the outside vantage point?    Here are a couple of ways to get going:   Take time to note when you feel frustrated, afraid, or anxious, and begin writing down why that might be. Is this a pattern that you've noticed? Talk to someone close to you that you trust. A great question to start with is, how are you experiencing me? Consider meeting with a Life Coach. With a coach, you will have space to talk through what you're experiencing and begin to pinpoint things you notice about yourself. Seek personality tools that give you language for your behavior. My favorite by far is the Enneagram which highlights both the good and the complex parts about a person's personality and what motivates a person.   In some cases, the more you learn about yourself, the more you'll find yourself interested in knowing other people. (Why does he seem so frustrated when he leaves these meetings?) You start to ask questions and begin working on a culture that considers who each person is and what they need before assigning the work.   Then more things get done and get done well. And maybe, just maybe, you even start to enjoy those meetings.   Need more?  Read about IOL’s 1st guest contributor Ashley Buenger Check out the IOL Community Groups to connect with like-minded leaders! Go to our YouTube and LinkedIn pages for more encouraging content.    

Sometimes, when I snap at my husband, which happens more than I wish, I notice I'm not snapping at him. I see that I'm snapping at myself instead, the critical voice inside my head.   For example, if my husband says something like, "What do you want to do for dinner?" And I reply, "Did you think I was in charge of dinner?" I'm talking to the voice in my head that told me I was at fault for not having pre-planned dinner. My husband isn't the one who said anything about whether I should've planned it.   The more I think about the voice in my head, the more I notice it says all kinds of negative things about my performance, how I look, what I say, and more. I have also realized that I say quite a few things to others—my friends, co-workers, and neighbors—in response to this voice instead of responding to what they say.   This has commonly become known in culture today as "negative self-talk." I call it the inner critic. Either way, it's a good bet that we all have a bit of a critic inside ourselves.   In his book, The 4:8 Principle, Tommy Newberry writes, "Research indicates that the average person thinks approximately fifty thousand thoughts per day. This is either good or bad news because every thought moves you toward your God-given potential or away from it."   Our thoughts are essential. They determine how we act in the world, how we love, how successful we are, and how we show up. So the battle against the inner critic, or negative self-talk, is worthwhile and can shape your entire life.   Sound daunting?   Here are a few simple ways to start becoming more aware of your inner critic and begin to put it in its place.   Identify your inner critic's voice   Start to think about your thoughts. Kind of meta, right? The next time you're in the car alone, drive in silence and begin to listen to your thoughts. Identify which thoughts are negative about yourself, your performance, or even the world around you. They might say, "You're not good enough for that promotion." Or "You can't do that." Or "You should've said something funnier or smarter." They might even sound like, "you have no control." This is your inner critic.   Once you get good at identifying the critic, you can start to recognize it faster. This helps create separation between you and the negative thoughts that you are having. You might want to name the critical voice to create even greater divergence.     Challenge what the voice is saying    Talk back to the critical voice. You can debunk what the critic is saying and poke holes in its arguments. Why did you receive it if you aren't good enough for that promotion? Did that person you were talking to indicate that what you said wasn't smart enough? No, they didn't. Did your husband say that you should've been the one to plan dinner? No, he didn't. Disagree with the critic, and that voice gets a little quieter.   Replace the negative thoughts with positive ones   Actively choose positive thoughts. This might seem strange at first, like speaking to a child, but the more you do it, the more normal it will seem. You notice the negative thought, talk back to it, then replace it with a positive idea instead. For example, if you tell yourself that you did deserve that promotion, you're going to do the job well.    You also tell yourself that you're intelligent and funny.  You tell yourself that you're good enough.  You can also visualize yourself doing well at the new job that you just received.  You can see yourself doing the thing that the critic told you that you can't. You can see yourself experiencing more joy as you combat the inner critic.   Practice    Do it over and over. It will take time and practice before you start seeing fundamental transformation in your thoughts and life. It's worth it. If you go a whole day without challenging the critic or even an entire week, don't let that discourage you. Try again. The more you do this, the better you will be at it, and the quieter and quieter the critic becomes.   Need more?  Search our library of over 100 podcast interviews with leaders who are chasing excellence Check out our YouTube and LinkedIn pages for more encouraging content.   If you’re looking to take your growth as a leader to the next level, we’ve got you covered. Join the Impact of Leadership Community today!