The Social Styles of the Enneagram

Most of us have heard the popular adage, “the grass is greener on the other side.” It’s used to describe the idea that something else, something that you don’t have, be it an item or a situation, is better than what you do have. We think that job is better, or living in that house, or owning that lawn mower. If only you could get over to the grass on the other side of the fence, then things would just be peachy.   It’s easy to fall into this pattern of thinking. It’s even easy to do it without realizing it. In fact, throughout my entire college career, I fell into the trap of thinking that once I finished my degree and got that elusive first job, things would be great. When it wasn’t, I ended up moving around from city to city looking for that greener grass in the form of a fulfilling job, a city in which I perfectly fit, or that great vocational role.   At this point, I think I’ve hopped enough fences to realize there ain’t no greener grass. No matter which pasture I found myself in, there was always another pasture to gaze at longingly thinking that was better.   Finally, I’ve accepted this old adage instead: the grass is greenest where you water it.   I’ll admit, that I have not arrived at this, but at least I am trying. On the good days, when I am really practicing watering my own grass, I find joy and contentment in the things that I have, and I feel that sense of fulfillment that I had spent my post-collegiate years searching for. On the rough days, I still look over the fence. I say that so you know that it takes practice and when you find yourself in a slump, don’t stop trying.   Here are a few ways to practice watering your own grass:   1. Practice Gratitude You can journal all the things that you’re thankful for if you’d like, but I just can’t seem to get into that habit, so no pressure for you. I like to catalog the things I’m grateful for in my head throughout the day. I’m thankful for the house that I live in and the minivan that I drive. Sometimes, I’m even thankful for the Legos scattered all over the playroom since they showcase that I have children, whom I’m also thankful for.   2. Switch Your Focus When you find yourself gazing over the fence, switch your gaze to what you have instead. Tell yourself that you’re thankful for that thing that you have, and suddenly YOUR thing becomes the shiniest. This takes practice. You’re talking to your neighbor and suddenly he rolls out the newest and greatest iPhone with the updated camera and sleek screen. If only you had that phone, things would be better. Hold on. You have a phone that works great. You like the photos that you have that it’s taken. You are grateful to have the phone that you do. You choose that phone. This may sound oversimplified, but it works on anything from shoes, to houses to cities to live in.   3. Be aware of the media you consume We’re being sold things all the time. From the moment we flip on the television, search the Internet, or scroll Instagram, we see advertisements and influencers. They make money by telling you that you don’t have what you need. If only you had that mop or that health regimen or if only you had those organizational tools or even that smiling family vacation. If only you were on that side of the fence. Be aware of the messages that you are receiving and how they are influencing your ability to be thankful for what you do have.   4. Just Choose It Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that we are grateful for our marriages, our children, our coworkers, and our current jobs. Then we need to place our time, energy, and focus there. It’s helpful to put reminders around your house, car, and office for those difficult moments and difficult days. I like to remind myself when I first wake up in the morning. This is the life that I have, this is the life that I choose.   I need to note that it’s clear that sometimes we need to make changes in our lives or in a way, hop the fence, and that’s ok, but making changes can come from a clear place of peace instead of from a frantic feeling of lack. The more we are grateful for the things that we have, the more we find that peace.   I should also note that, as a leader, once you choose what you have, it’s contagious and encouraging to those around you, especially to those that you lead.   Need more?  Check out the IOL Community Groups to connect with like-minded leaders! Go to our YouTube and LinkedIn pages for more encouraging content.   If you’re looking to take your growth as a leader to the next level, we’ve got you covered. Join the Impact of Leadership Community today!

The Dependent Social Style: Are you a 1, 2, or 6 on the Enneagram?   If you have been told that you are sometimes quiet in social situations and bold and outgoing in others, that you seem to be the first to move toward others, or that you are often a rule follower, then perhaps you are one of these three numbers.    This grouping of types is known as the dependent social stance. They are the ones that "move with or toward the world." These numbers wait to see what is happening around them and then act depending on what seems to be needed.   Those in this group of numbers act or feel first and think about it later; this is sometimes referred to as "thinking repressed." Each number does it differently, but it is a common denominator.    According to the Enneagram, we are all beings that think, feel and act, but we all do one of these things first, and one of these things last. So these numbers think last, or, in the case of Type 6, they think so much that they often aren't productive with their thinking and get caught in a circuitous tornado of internal dialogue.   Finally, these numbers are known for allowing the present to inform them more than the past or the future. They often act on the moment.   Each number on the Enneagram is described below in healthy space, average space, and unhealthy space. We move into these spaces back and forth, freely, as if on a spectrum.    Of course, some may spend more time in unhealthy or healthy spaces than others, but regardless, the path to transformation begins by being aware of these things.   These are basic introductions to the 1, 2, and 6.   Type 1: The Reformer    Those who are a Type 1 on the Enneagram have the need to be perfect. As children, they felt they weren't valuable unless they were good. This led to them avoiding mistakes in all facets of life and striving for perfection. In addition, they often felt like they needed to be the "hero" of the family, which led to shouldering lots of responsibility at a young age.   At their best, people who are a Type 1 have a vision for how things could be. They are great at seeing things in an improved state and work to make that happen. They make order out of chaos and provide hope to others who don't have the same vision that they do. They are hard workers and complete the tasks that they are given. They are honest, ethical, and reliable.   When they are in average space, they may be bogged down by the weight of their idealism. They may be highly critical and quick to judge others. But, on the other hand, they may act aloof and self-righteous, assuming they are better than others because of their high morals.   In an unhealthy space, they respond sharply and quickly to others in a judgmental manner that is condescending. They can be uptight, impatient, and preachy. They project their perfectionism on others and have incredibly high expectations of themselves and others.   Type 1's are considered thinking repressed because they act out of their moralistic need to do the "right" thing first. But, unfortunately, they do this before they think through what is their responsibility and what isn't.   You might be a Type 1 if you: Are naturally good at making improvements on things that already exist Feel as if you live with a judge inside your head that is highly critical of you Tend to see the world as black and white Find that your principles and ideals are very important to you   Have a coworker who might be a Type 1? You can care for that person by: Understanding that they have a harsh judge in their heads and sometimes their criticality comes from their expectations of themselves, not of you Enlisting their help when something needs improvement Encouraging them to let go of their high expectations, especially if they are unrealistic     Type 2: The Helper   Those who are a Type 2 on the Enneagram are motivated by the need to feel needed. When they were younger, they felt loved and accepted when they met other people's needs. This led to a significant role reversal in which the child took on parental duties. Often, their needs were overlooked, so they began to believe their needs were unimportant.   At their best, people who are Type 2 are genuine and loving. They are aware of others' needs and are willing to meet them without ulterior motives. They are also good at voicing their own needs. They are warm, relational, intuitive, and quick to show compassion. They have healthy boundaries and are aware when they have helped enough.   Type 2's can obsess about their relationships when they are in average space. They begin to define themselves by them. They "people-please" to gain relational equity and flatter others with the hope of being flattered in return. However, they fear that whatever they are doing is not enough.   In an unhealthy space, 2's are prideful about what they do for others. They think that their ability to help makes them better than others. They also take on a "savior" role in people's lives and begin to attach themselves to those that are "needy." They can be intrusive, demanding, manipulative and annoying. Finally, they become angry if their help isn't accepted.   Type 2's are considered thinking repressed because they usually sense or feel how others are doing first, then act on their feelings, before thinking through whether or not their help is needed or wanted.   You might be a type 2 if you: Upon entering a room, you think about the needs of the people in the room before anything else Spend a lot of time thinking about other people and your relationship with them Are highly attuned to your feelings and comfortable expressing them Realize that sometimes you are pleasing people to win them over   Have a coworker who might be a Type 2? You can care for that person by: Asking them about their needs and encouraging them to express them Showing genuine concern and care for them, especially when it's not in response to something they just did to help you Not taking advantage of their willingness to help by asking them to do too much   Type 6: The Loyalist   Those who are a Type 6 on the Enneagram need safety and security. They often came from unpredictable or unsafe environments as children. This leads them to believe that the world is dangerous and scary, and they have trouble trusting that they can keep themselves safe.   At their best, Type 6's are very loyal friends. Once they trust someone, they are committed to their relationship with that person. Highly inquisitive and thoughtful in their question-asking, 6's love defining things and are the most dependable people you know. They are good planners and quick thinkers. They also have courage when it comes to new and unpredictable situations.   Type 6's are uncertain of themselves when they are in average space. They get stuck in spiraling thought patterns in their heads, leading to increased anxiety and fear. Because they don't trust themselves, they either blindly follow authority figures or rebel against them.   In unhealthy spaces, 6's can exhibit paranoia and debilitating anxiety. They can also be pessimistic, anticipating the worst-case scenario in any situation. They are highly skeptical of others. Type 6's can exhibit their fears as highly aggressive in response.   Type 6's are big thinkers. They need to think through situations before they occur. However, due to their anxiety about security, their thoughts can spiral in a way that keeps them repeating thought patterns without taking any action.   You might be a Type 6 if you: Are good at anticipating many different scenarios and planning for each of them Find you wait for people to "earn" your trust before you become their friend Seem to battle a lot of anxiety about what could happen Don't like having a lot of responsibility, especially in situations that require a lot of decision making   Have a coworker who might be a Type 6? You can care for that person by: Listening to them when they need to talk about the things that make them anxious Not dismissing them when they are standoffish, especially if it's in a first meeting Giving them all the information that you have about a task that you are asking them to complete, then patiently answering all their questions   If you felt uncomfortable while reading about the 1, 2, or 6, then perhaps that number describes you. Once you identify this, please reach out, and we can dive deeper into the number that might represent you.   Identifying and learning about your number is a noble task and not an easy one. It can feel confusing and downright off-putting at first. However, as you continue to observe yourself through the lens of the Enneagram and begin to understand more about yourself, you will grow in compassion and empathy toward yourself, which will impact those around you.   It's a journey worth taking.   Need more?  Listen to Ashley's podcast interview about the Enneagram. Check out our YouTube and LinkedIn pages for more encouraging content.   If you’re looking to take your growth as a leader to the next level, we’ve got you covered. Join the Impact of Leadership Community today!