You Can Bring Up the Room

Embracing our differences in the workplace   I, like many, am thankful the election is over. I am happy to see yard signs disappear, text messages dwindle, and most of all—vitriolic commercials cease. This campaigning season seemed like a toxic game of tug-of-war from start to finish. I did, however, notice at least one positive thing emerge from this election cycle—a reminder that we are different.   Even if we look alike, talk alike, live near one another, have similar hobbies, even come from the same family, we sometimes and dare I say even often, have different beliefs, goals and desires. We are passionate about different things, called to different things and make different decisions, like which presidential candidate deserves our vote.   That’s just fine. I’ll say it louder, for those in the back. That’s JUST FINE. We can disagree and still have a relationship. We can be friends, we can be neighbors, we can be brothers, and we can still work well together.   In fact, in the workplace, our disagreements and differences are what makes us successful as a team. You’ve heard the common colloquialism, “variety is the spice of life.” Well, it’s stew season and never have I so appreciated the sweetness of carrots, mixed with the crunch of celery and the acidity of an onion, all simmering in chili powder, cumin and garlic, alongside chunks of satisfying beef. Stew can’t be a bowl of only carrots, or only beef. It loses the symphony of flavor. Similarly, the flavor of life is in each of our differences. If we were all carrots, the stew would taste terrible. When we embrace and even maximize our differences, we get a tasty meal, and a successful business.   Fostering this culture in the workplace starts with the leader. As Patrick often says, “more is caught than taught.” It takes a strong leader, like you, to be the one who sets the example for your team in how to work alongside, engage with and show love to one another, especially during a disagreement.   Consider modeling the following things:   Being unoffendable: As the leader, you need to be confident enough to know that other’s ideas, thoughts and opinions are not a threat to you. When someone thinks differently than you, it’s an opportunity to learn. If you don’t understand, ask questions until you do. If you find yourself in a conversation in which you are strongly disagreeing, walk away and come back later. You may find that you can let things go, or you may find that you can better address them later, after you have taken the time to think about it. Being unoffendable doesn’t mean that you allow people to say things to you that are hurtful, but it does mean that you don’t always respond right away. Take big breaths often. Give yourself the time and space you need to decide what needs to be addressed and what needs to be let go.   Thinking like family: Family members cannot up and leave one another. They are bound by blood. This means that reconciliation is necessary and practiced often. If there is conflict on your team, sit down with those involved and model talking it through with love and empathy. The answer to a problem is not to “ghost” someone by avoiding him or her, but rather to engage that person with questions, trying to reach that point of understanding. If the team thinks of themselves as brothers and sisters, the security of familial ties will propel them toward one another instead of away when challenges arise.   Assuming the best: It’s easy to assume that another person is intending to hurt you, when it’s simply a misunderstanding. Teach your team that it’s better to assume the best. Assume what you would want others to assume about you. When you don’t know, ask questions. You’ll quickly realize that you might have made it worse in your head than the reality. Someone didn’t return your email? It doesn’t mean that they didn’t like your idea. It’s more likely that the email was overlooked, or the response is requiring more thought or time than you had expected. Give other people more time, space and grace. Usually there’s much more going on under the surface with people than what meets the eye.   Communicating often then communicating some more: Communicate until you’re blue in the face, until you’re sure you’ve said the same thing ten times, until you really get your team rolling their eyes. Then you know that they understand. When plans, goals, concepts and requests are communicated poorly, it leaves room for confusion which then leads, unwittingly, to frustration. Unfortunately, many people can mistake feeling confused as feelings of inadequacy which causes them to shut down instead of asking questions. This then leads to feelings of resentment and avoidance. Strong communication from the get-go can help avoid unnecessary conflicts.   If you accidentally offend, apologize quickly: You will probably offend people. It’s mostly a fact of life. If it’s brought to your attention, be quick to apologize. You can also model addressing tension within the office. It’s always best to tell someone if he/she hurt or frustrated you. Ask questions. You could say something like, “Can you tell me more about your decision to xyz?” or “Is there a way that we could do xyz differently?”  If your team sees you apologizing, addressing things and quickly reconciling, they are likely to do the same.   This takes practice. It’s not easy to create this culture in the workplace but it is effective. Once those on your team feel like they can be genuine and still be accepted, cared for and loved, they will bring their best selves to the workplace—their great ideas, their great experiences, their excellent talent. This will lead to greater success for your team and your business.   ###   This blog is based loosely on the IOL Podcast #151: Global Community Builds Unity with Dave Strash. Check it out!   This blog was written by Ashley Buenger:

As a mother, I spend a lot of time trying to influence my children to do what I want them to do—get dressed, eat meals, be obedient, refrain from booger mining in front of grandma. I used to think that the reason they wouldn’t listen was because I must not be communicating properly. I only needed to speak louder, say it clearer, say it again, then again, then yell and surely they would fall in line.   Big surprise, this did not work.   I could reach decibel ten and my children would still completely ignore me. I could negotiate, I could pontificate, I could talk myself blue in the face, and they still wouldn’t pick up their Legos from underneath the table.    What was I doing wrong?   I’m an excellent communicator. Or so I thought. I have a top-notch command over the English language. Heck, I have a degree in the English language. I can string words together like Tom Petty can string music notes. (Well, maybe not that well.) Why weren’t my words working?   According to Kent Evans, the Executive Director of Manhood Journey, having influence is actually not about how well you can string words together or how many words you say. We often think the more we say something, the more people will hear it and then respond the way we want them to. We think if we can only just get more words out or find better words, smarter, funnier and more engaging words, then surely, our children, friends, spouses, co-workers or customers will listen and respond.   But that’s not it.   According to Evans, the art of influence is not about speaking well, it is about listening well.   If we listen instead of speaking, then we learn. If we learn, then we begin to understand just who we are speaking to. Once we understand that person, we can better tailor our message to who that person is. Then our message will land. Boom, now we’re effective communicators.   In his podcast with Patrick from IOL, Evans mentions a time that he was working in France. As an English-only speaker he realized that in order to communicate with the French, they had to speak English to him. They could speak French to him all they wanted as much as they wanted, as loudly as they wanted, and he still wouldn’t understand what they were saying.   That was when he realized that influencing others is speaking the language they can understand, even if it’s not our first language. So how do we do this well?   Here’s a few steps:   Understand that being a good communicator is not about how much you can say but rather what you can glean from listening. We must first choose to enter conversations by holding back our words. It’s only natural to have things you want to say and people that you want to say them to. However, when it’s necessary to communicate well and effectively, we should first enter the conversation with the intent to listen. It helps to begin the conversation with a question instead of a statement.   Then listen well. There is a difference between actually listening to what someone is saying and simply hearing the words while thinking about something else. When we listen, we absorb information, synthesize it and understand. We are not thinking about the next thing we want to say, rather we are thinking about what is being said by the other person. We can then formulate questions from there.   Ask good questions. If you are seeking to truly understand something that someone is saying, then it usually requires asking clarifying questions. Show up curious and ask questions until you feel like you genuinely understand what the other person is saying. It also works to repeat back what you are hearing. That person will then usually expound upon what was said. Another question that’s always nice to have in your back pocket is, “Can you say more about that?” It’s open-ended enough to allow the speaker the space to take the conversation where he/she would like it to go.   NOW tailor your message. It’s time to speak French. Now that you know more about who you are communicating with, where they come from, and what they need, you can tailor your message. If my teenager is feeling overlooked or my co-worker is feeling underappreciated, then I know how to tailor my message in light of that information. I can encourage my teenager and take additional steps to reward or praise my co-worker before I make suggestions or ask things of them.   Communication in parenthood and management is never quite as simple as it sounds. However, it’s always worth the work. Evans mentions that he had a client who said his problem within his business was efficacy, but after some conversation in which Evans listened and asked questions, he discovered that a proper measuring tool was not being used to determine efficacy. So, the problem wasn’t efficacy since that wasn’t being measured. That was where they began.   I know as a parent I will not always be quick to listen whenever I ask things of my children but at least I can try. If I stop with the overflow of words and ask them questions instead, even some of the time, I have become a much better communicator and a more effective influencer.   This post is based on a section of the IOL Podcast #143 and #144 with Kent Evans from Manhood Journey.   This blog was written by Ashley Buenger